After reading
Sarah’s blog “A Fearless Collision”(which you can read here) I started thinking about my own life,
fears, dreams, and all that other life stuff. The more I thought about it the
more these words and thoughts and phrases where popping into my head and I knew
I needed to get them down before I forgot them all, because lets be real,
that’s what I do. :)
These words need to come out, and apparently they have decided that now is the
perfect time to do so.
For those who know
me they see: the different colors I dye my hair, the weirdness I have, the
humor and the sass, the confidence I show, the women I am slowly becoming and
many other things. The few who know me well and I do mean really well (you know
who you are), see the BS behind all that. They see the shy, scared, little girl
who I feel will always be there. The one who is afraid to speak her mind for
fear she will be disliked, the one who puts herself down but dresses it up as “humor”,
the girl who was there at my lowest and darkest points in life. This girl is, I
think in many ways, is why the idea of commitment scares the shit out of me.
She is why I keep my emotions in a lock box, inside of a safe that is encased
in concrete and buried underground. And I used to let her control my life.
Many people outside
family and very close friends do not know this, but when I was 17 I almost took
my own life. I was stuck in my own world of hurt, and darkness, and pain and it
seemed like there was no way out, little did I know that there really was.
After that fateful night the summer before my senior year, my life slowly
changed. It took me a very long time to accept what I almost did that night,
almost 7 months to at least acknowledge what happened and to share it with someone.
It took even longer for me to really accept and own what had happened. It was
only when I accepted what happened that the little girls’ control over me
started to fade; she didn’t get to control me and my life anymore. And while
she may still be in the background, make an experience every now and then,
those experiences are short and I refuse to let them own me. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Not that little girls’.
How does this
little story (jk, it was not a very little story, my bad) relate to the title?
How could this possibly be something beautiful? And what does it possible have
to do with collisions?
Everyone thinks of
collisions as these horrific things (think head-on car collisions, bad right?)
Well at that point in my life I was on a collision course with depression, and
death. But I am still here; I am still a living and breathing person, that in
and of itself is beautiful. Because of what happened after so many wonderful
things have happened and come together for me. I have learned about myself, my
fears, my strengths, my weaknesses, that it is ok to ask for help, it’s ok to
have emotions, it’s ok to be myself no matter who weird and strange.
Because of these things,
my life is a beautiful collision. A hot mess of things and events and people
all mixed together to create something that is worth living for. And I wouldn’t
have it any other way.
Peace and Love
always,
Liz
